Something about this time of year makes me slow down to reflect on this life God has given me. It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, especially everything the Christmas season brings. But no matter how long the "to-do" list is, how jam packed our schedules may be, or anything else life throws at me, I cannot forget why we are celebrating and this sparks reflection on my own life.
I remember the Christmas Story in the Bible, and the mommy in me tries to imagine how Mary must have felt through her experience of expecting, giving birth to and raising the Son of God, Jesus. When I think about Mary's life and how she honored God through it, I begin to question if I could have even come anywhere close to how she so graciously handled it all.
Ultimately I come to the question "Am I honoring God through this life He has given me?" There are some things I feel I can answer with certaintly... I know God created me to be a wife and mom to my family. I am confident God has put on both Ben's and my heart to adopt from the Dominican Republic. I am indescribably grateful for the parents God gave me and the childhood I had.
But still, I can't help but fear and wonder if I will ever live up to everything God created me to be. How much of my life am I taking for granted? Am I really showing God's love through my actions? I know I am blessed beyond measure and yet still I find room to complain or be frustrated.
I think Christmas time and particularly Christmas cards and letters send me into a nostalgic, reflective mode that makes me take account of the past year and sometimes more. As I try to recap my little family's past year into a Christmas letter I think back to all the highs and lows.
I know that when I weigh the blessings against the difficult times the blessings far outweigh everything else and yet I can so easily be consumed by what I think seems urgent in the moment. Questions like What if we aren't able to save enough money to adopt? How will we afford to fix the rental house now that our tenants are out? How can I find the energy to be the wife and mom my family needs me to be?
I am learning to turn my doubt and fear into trust and faith. Trust that God's plan is far greater and more perfect than anything I could begin to dream up on my own. Faith that He is always there and will meet all my needs.
I am a natural planner and like to be in control of when and how things happen, but perhaps I need to worry less about if I am in control than if HE is in control. I am thankful I don't have to have it all together and can lean on Him to get me through the good and the bad. I am doing my best to praise him through all things and to be content with my circumstances.
