APPROVED!!!

Once again, I sit in front of my computer to write a Blog post fighting back tears - but this time it is tears of JOY!!!  Yesterday, we got the call from our placing agency that our Dossier was approved and now we officially entered in to the wait to be matched!  Both Ben and I are incredibly relieved with this news.

Yesterday marked exactly 8 months from when we finished the last items for our Dossier and sent it to the DR for translation and approval.  We originally anticipated this step would take 1-3 months.  Instead, it was 8 months - with the last three and a half months filled with uncertainty of if we would get approved and the need for more clarification on certain elements of the Dossier.

While our timing would have preferred this stage to have gone smoother, I know without a doubt God was with us.  This stage forced Ben and I to rally our faith together and sometimes the only thing that kept us sane was trusting in God's perfect plan and timing - even when it made no sense to us.

Each day that went by, we continued to pray and hope for an answer.  Some days we were able to be more optimistic and other days were incredible lows.  Tomorrow is my birthday and family has been asking what I want for my birthday and the only thing I really wanted was an answer from CONANI.  Yesterday's news of our dossier approval was the greatest birthday/Christmas present I could ask for.  While we continue to wait to be matched, it is no longer a question of IF, but WHEN.  Praise the Lord for walking us through this wait!  His timing truly is more perfect that we can imagine.

The last few days had been especially difficult for both Ben and I, so yesterday Ben decided to call our agency to see if they had any updates.  Sure enough, they had just gotten a letter from CONANI on Monday responding to our most recent documents, but hadn't yet called us because they were waiting to hear back where this put us with our dossier.  So, at lunch time, we knew there was positive progress but we still didn't know if we were approved.  Two hours later, Ben got a phone call from our social worker saying we were approved!  He knew I was in the middle of teaching, so he emailed me the news and I fought back tears as I read the email.

After I dismissed my students to buses for the day, I could not contain my excitement and literally burst into tears in the hallway - I did not care who saw me crying, the relief was more than I could contain.  Shannon and Amelia watched me in utter confusion as to why mommy was crying if she was so happy.  Ha!  They eventually understood they were happy tears and started telling everyone they saw the news.  As a family, we went out to dinner to celebrate and we prayed over dinner thanking God for his presence and guidance in this adoption journey.

Last night I went to bed and could hardly sleep with excitement and relief.  I began to pray and talk to God and His presence was so clear.  Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind:

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

You see, not only did we get our approval this yesterday, but this week I also finished my grad school for my additional teaching licensure and turned in the paperwork to apply for said license.  Now we can move forward towards bringing our future children home without me writing papers or studying.

Some have asked what the approval means for our timeline.  At this point, we still don't have an exact timeline until we are matched, but at this point we know we are approved and it is only a matter of time until we can meet our future children.  Oh how I dream of they day I can hug and kiss them and be their momma.  Thank you to everyone who has joined us in praying, offered support and encouragement, or simply been a listening ear.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

While I'm Waiting

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

The words written above could not be more fitting for me right now.  My last post was so hard to write, but in the pain God has been there.  We've received encouragement from our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ - particularly the ones who truly know adoption - in such meaningful ways.  Has anything changed in the status of our adoption since then? No.  Are we still waiting? Yes.  Am I hopeful.  Definitely.  Is it painful? Indescribably so.

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

Bold and confident.  No one ever said the adoption journey would be easy.  We even had many people try to convince us it would be too hard, that is wasn't worth it.  I have and continue to confront very real spiritual attacks of self-doubt.  But we've continued to move ahead.  Completing all of the steps necessary to move forward.  Trusting in God's plan for our family.  Following this plan in obedience.

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

Life doesn't stop while we wait.  I will continue to serve Him.  I have worshipped through tears of desperation and tears of joy.  We have not given up, we are still doing real life.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I am deliberately choosing to praise God for being by my side through this waiting.  He knows my raw emotions and He has never left me.  He has shown up in the smallest of ways and He has been there in unfathomable ways.  He knows it's not easy.  He's given me peace.  

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

I could never have imagined the ways He would allow me to serve him while in this wait.  The wait has increased my passion to serve and given me unique opportunities to share my own testimony.  My faith has grown and been stretched in new ways.  I cannot help but to worship Him.  Yes, I will wait.

Thank you, Lord, for being there every step of the way.  Thank you, Lord, for drawing us to a church who has many other adoptive families who have become a support network we could not have known we needed and now could not imagine life without that support.  Thank you, Lord, for our sister church in the DR who have been a profound blessing.  Thank you, Lord, for dear coworkers who have become great encouragers - including the one who reminded me of this song.  And, as painful as it is, thank you for the waiting.

Hanging by a thread

I haven't posted since mid-August.  I've written posts in my head several times since then, but haven't been sure exactly how to put it into words I can share on the blog.  A lot has changed since mid-August and yet nothing has really changed.  Fair warning: this post is written mostly for me to put in writing the ramblings in my head the last several months, but much like my thoughts, it probably won't be the most organized post.

On August 4th we learned about a sibling group on the waiting children list and we decided to request to see their files.  This was the first time we had even come close to specifics on a sibling group, and while we were not sure if these children would become our children, it was exciting to dream.  We went out to eat for our anniversary on August 7th and we discussed the idea of these children as we anticipated receiving their file.

The following week we heard back from our placing agency that we would not be seeing their file.  CONANI (the government entity in the DR which oversees adoptions) wanted us to wait until our dossier had been approved first.  Even though Ben and I were unsure if these siblings were meant to be our children, the news still hit hard.  Suddenly the dreaming came to a halt and we were left to wonder why, with no real answers.

Then, on August 31st, I got a phone call from our agency.  As I looked at the caller ID on my phone, a rush of emotions came over me.  Generally, we've communicated by email and saved phone conversations for rare occasions that needed that back and forth conversation in the moment.  I didn't know why they were calling, but knew we were still waiting on approval so I hoped it was good news.

"Hi Jessica, do you have a minute to talk?" she said on the other line.  I was actually at a garage sale with friends and the girls, but didn't want to wait for whatever the news was so I told her I could talk.  In hindsight, I should have asked for them to call back when I was back home, but I didn't.  Instead, I stood on the curb holding back tears while I learned our dossier needed "more clarification".  When I listened as she said "Just so you are prepared, there is a chance you might not be approved" I struggled to breathe and just wanted to escape.

For privacy reasons, I will not go into why CONANI was asking for more clarification, but it was one of our bigger fears when we dealt with our home study agency passing us from social worker to social worker and they merged with another agency and our study ended up being written by 5-6 different people.  As I hung up, I knew I needed to tell Ben the news but dreaded doing so.

Since that day, we've been rallying to stay optimistic and trust in God's plan for our family.  We've gone through the extra hoops needed for the extra clarification, but we still wait to hear.  It is hard to fathom the idea of spending the last four years working for this adoption with all of our heart and knowing there is a chance it will all end in being disapproved.  Each day we wait is a daily battle to remain hopeful.  However, I am deliberately choosing to trust - even if at times I am hanging on to that trust by a thread.

Today, nearly two months since that phone call, I sit filling out paperwork for our home study update and can honestly say I can feel the devil attacking my thoughts.  I'm angry it's already been a year since our home study was approved and we are having to renew with little to show for it.  Thoughts of doubt are hard to fight as I wonder if we should really be putting more money into a home study update if we might not be approved.  And then, I get angry at myself for feeling this way when I know I should be more faithful in God's plan for my family.

Social outings have become painful to endure since it inevitably results in someone asking how our adoption is going and I feel like I do not have the words to respond.  I don't want to dismiss their questions, but I also fight feelings of defeat, anger, sadness and more every time I am asked.

So, prayer warriors, I humbly ask for you to lift us up in prayer.  Pray for God's will to be done as we continue to wait.  Pray for those at CONANI who must make the decision to approve or deny us. Pray for our faith in Him and peace in the wait.  Pray for us to show each other grace and mercy as our emotions are raw.  Pray for our girls who still excitedly ask almost daily if we are going to the DR soon.  Pray for the future Reillys, if they are meant to join our family, and their daily care and well being.   Please pray.

Summer of waiting

It's been a while since I've updated this blog, but that is because there hasn't been much to update about.  We have entered "the wait" where we've dotted all of our Is and crossed all of our Ts and all we can do is wait.

In the April we submitted the final pieces of our dossier to our placing agency.  It was later mailed of to the Dominican Republic for translation and in early June we were informed it was officially submitted to CONANI (the DR's government entity in charge of adoptions).  From there, CONANI reviews our dossier before we hear if we are approved.  We were originally told this would take 4-6 weeks, but due to political reasons beyond our control we are now told it will be more like 2-3 months.

Well, here we are two and a half months in from officially submitting the dossier and we continue to wait.  This is hard for me.  I am a doer and like to check things off of a list, but right now there is nothing more for me to check off.

As I wait, life goes on.  I don't want to lose sight of the here and now and the many blessings God has given me and my family.  But, I also continue to dream.  I dream of my future children and what they look like, what their names are, what life will be like when we move to the DR for 4-6 months (or more), what life will be like when we come home as a bigger family, and so much more.

Beyond the approval, we've also been told it could be up to two years before we are match or it would be a few weeks.  Somewhere between soon and not so soon, we'll meet our kiddos we've been praying for for so long.  I've joked that this is worse than waiting for the cable guy to show up.  A dear friend of mine said the other day it's like being pregnant with no due date.

The wait is enough to drive one insane.  Trust me, I've gotten close.  But then I remember this will all happen in His timing and His plan is so much more prefect than my own.  That is what keeps me sane.  So, when I'm feeling particularly anxious about the wait I've learned to turn to God to get me through.  These are a few of the verses that have helped me in this wait:

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
    you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
    you are the helper of the fatherless.
~Psalm 10:14

Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
~Isaiah 46:4

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:6-7

The wait may be hard, but I am so grateful we don't have to go through it on our own...

Here and now

I've been wanting to write this following post for a while now.  I've thought about the words to write many times in my head.  I've wrestled with guilt, anticipation, fear, excitement, unknown and all the other ups and downs.  This is by far not the first post where I talk about the roller coaster of emotions that is this adoption adventure, nor is it likely it will be my last.  However, in this post I want to focus on the here and now.  Specifically, the two blessings who I am privileged to be parenting here and now.

Lord, help me.  I cannot do this thing called parenting without you.  Adoption aside, being a mom has brought me to my knees more times than I can count, more times than I may want to admit and more times than I ever imagined possible.

It is so SO easy to think you know how to parent before you become a parent.  So easy to look at parents and say to yourself "that's not how I would do that".  Then, one day, you become a parent and find yourself in unknown territory.  Faced with decisions that effect not only you and your spouse, but your children too.  One thing I know for sure: no parent is perfect, despite how hard we may try.   There is - and will continue to be - regret, mistakes, raw emotions and desperation.  Try as I might to have everything in order, I am still learning how to parent every step of the way.

This adoption adventure has definitely taught be a lot about parenting - both my future children and the two I have now.  One (of the many) trainings we've done to prepare for adding to our family through adoptions touched on remembering that while Ben and I have been preparing, praying, hoping for these children for a long time it does not mean the same is true for the children we are bringing home.  They may not even fully understand the concept of adoption nor will they fully understand why they are being adopted.  While we know we are their mom and dad, it will take time for them to understand this and attach to our family.  I can remember thinking what a profound concept that was when I first heard it and have thought about it many times since the first time I heard it.

Really, the same can be said regarding my two girlies I already get to be mom to everyday.  Ben and I have gone to training after training, completed endless stacks of paperwork, dotted our Is and crossed our Ts, but our girls have not.  While we have been very intentional to have open and honest conversations about this adoption, this is not something they initiated nor do they fully understand it.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now and wrestled with how to approach it.  Tonight it became abundantly clear.  It was no longer a hunch, it was laid right out in the open...

Part of the open and honest conversations have included talking about how things will change and how the way we parent our girls' "new brothers or sisters" will look differently than how we parent now.  And then everything bubbled to the surface.

My sweet Shannon is probably more like me than I admit.  One of the ways she is like me is her NEED to plan and uneasiness to change.  God has certainly been teaching me how to let planning be in His hands and trust in His changes, but it's still not easy.

Tonight, bless her little heart, through tears Shannon admitted she doesn't want us to adopt because she is afraid of how everything will change.  My mommy heart broke into a thousand pieces and in that moment all I could do was to pull her onto my lap and hug her tightly.  I rocked her and held her close.  I felt so lost at that moment.

In that moment I was so incredibly lost.  All I could do was to lift my eyes up to heaven and pray for the words to comfort my baby girl.  "Help me help her" was my prayer.  God brought me to the here and now and all I could do was to be in that moment with her.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
~Psalm 121:1-2

I am so grateful Ben and I don't have to have this parenting thing all figured out.  I know our help comes from the Lord and we are not in this alone.  Through His help, we were able to have a very raw, real heart to heart talk with Shannon about the adoption.  We assured her it is OK to feel the way she does.  I would have loved to been able to tell her things won't really change that much, but I can't.  Things will change - more than I think I know - but we also arrived at a good place and the night ended with some Shannon-mommy-daddy time and I know I was able to tuck my sweet girl into bed knowing she is loved and THAT will never change.

Friends and family, I humbly ask you to pray for my family. Pray for wisdom and guidance for Ben and me as we navigate this adventure of parenting and adopting.  Pray for us not to lose sight of the here and now as we prepare for the future.  Pray for the hearts of our two girls as we prepare for this big change.  Pray for those children who will be joining our family.  Pray for the things we don't know to ask for prayer for.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.
~Psalm 121: 7-8

Be still

Today we mailed in (what we think to be) the final piece of our Dossier.  This, along with the other documents we mailed in two weeks ago will now be apostilled and translated and then sent to the DR.

Today is exactly 2 years, 5 days from our "official" start to this adoption journey when we first sent our request for services to our home study agency.  Today also marks 3 years, 4 months and 6 days since that New Year's Eve conversation which started us on this journey.

We've moved to a bigger house, treaded through countless ups and downs of a home study that seemed to go on forever (but really only 20 months), been blessed beyond measure with financial gifts which cover the agency fees of the adoption, applied for services to our placing agency, attended training after training after training, dotted our Is and crossed our Ts on all the documents of our Dossier, gained friends in the adoptive community and in the DR we consider more like family, and encountered opportunities to share our story and, in turn our faith, in ways we never expected.

As we understand it, we've now completed everything we need to complete before we wait to be matched.  Now begins THE WAIT.  It is a weird feeling to have made it to this point.  Ben and I were talking about having made it this far.  We almost feel apprehensive.  While the paperwork is no walk in the park, at least it was something in our control.  The ball was in our court, so to speak.  Now, though, we sit and wait.  Dream and hope.  Pray and trust.

As I returned home from mailing off that final piece, I couldn't help but feel like there is something more I should be doing to help move the process along.  Then, once I had decided I really, truly just had to wait I searched my Bible for the word "trust" and landed on Psalm 37 where I found these few verses that went straight to my heart:

Psalm 37
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 4 Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
...
7 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him

One minute, forty-one seconds

One minute, forty-one seconds - that was the duration of the phone call from my husband one Saturday afternoon.  The phone call that sent us into fast-forward mode, the phone call that brought news I've reflected back on for the past month now.

Let me back up a bit.  This phone call was completely unexpected on this particular Saturday afternoon.  I was at a birthday party for my daughters' friend who was turning five.  Ben stayed home to knock off elements on the honey-do list while I went to the party with the girls.

Forty-five minutes or so into the party, my phone rings.  I look at the screen - it's Ben.  Hmmm, I think to myself - curious as to why he'd be calling.

"You got a letter from Homeland Security," he says after I answer.

Instantly, my heart began to beat deafeningly inside my head.  My mind began a frenzy of thoughts:

What! It's only been a mere week and a half since we went down to USCIS for our biometric fingerprinting. Our agency told us it would normally be two to four months wait for our background check to come back.  There must have been a problem.  What could have gone wrong?

I could not help but mentally prepare for the worst.  This must be the end.  More than three years of preparation would all come to a halt if we were not approved.

"Do you want me to open it?" I hear Ben say from the other end.  I am brought back down from my frenzy.

Of course I wanted him to open it.  There was just no way I could wait another hour and a half before I returned home to open it myself.  I needed to know what the news was in that very moment.  What was likely mere seconds had already felt like a week in my worries.

I could hear the rustling of the envelope as he broke the seal. The whisper of the paper sliding out of the envelope as my mind kept playing various scenarios over in my head.  Tears were on the verge of emerging.  I was on the edge of losing it at a five year old's birthday party.

"We're approved for up to 3 children," Ben declared remarkably calmly in comparison to the mental state I had worried myself into.

I could feel a major adrenaline dump as I began to wonder at how I had possibly doubted the approval.  God has shown his own fingerprints in each and every step of this adoption adventure.  Why would I have allowed myself to worry in such a way that made that one minute, forty-one second phone call feel longer than the forty-five minutes of the birthday party prior to my phone ringing?

One of the things I have learned over and over again on this adoption adventure is that nothing - and I do mean nothing - goes according to the "normal" timeline.  After a grueling home study process which resulted in twenty months of back and forth rather than the "normal" four to six months, I guess I was taken aback by the speed and ease in which the approval had come.  This time there were no hiccups, no clarifications, no missing pieces.

Ben's voice echoed in my head as the waterworks sprung from my eyes.  However, this time they were tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of thankfulness, tears of hope.  The timing of this approval was nothing short of a miracle. 

Yep, I lost it at a five year old's birthday party.  I did not care. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  Having had the privilege to witness many of our friends go through their own adoption journeys, this was finally forward progress for my family's adoption adventure.  Those children we were approved for would become our children.

We're approved for up to 3 children.  APPROVED.  We're approved.

***This phone call occurred one month ago, yesterday.  Tomorrow, we mail in all but two of our Dossier documents to our placing agency to be translated, apostilled and sent to the Dominican Republic.  

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. Completely. Totally. Indescribably. Overwhelmed.

That is how I would describe my life, my heart, right now.  Ben and I attended our Crossings Training through Lifeline this past weekend.  While I am so thrilled to be one step further in our adoption adventure, I have never been so overwhelmed to the point of tears as I decompress and reflect on this training.

Crossings is meant for adoptive parents prior to traveling for international adoption.  While the vast majority of the content was not "new" to us, my heart broke during the 2 day training.  While I "knew" the effects of institutionalization on children in orphanages, this training left a lump in my throat that has been hard to shake.

We've heard all this before.  The malnutrition, the neglect, the abuse, the overall trauma.  Do a short Google search on orphanage institutionalization and you will know what I mean. For some reason, this training was different.  Maybe it was because we are moving so much faster on our adoption adventure right now.  More probable is God's hand on this and how he is preparing me, molding me, to bring home our DR kiddos.

We were told at the training about the need to prepare adoptive families "for the worst case scenario".  The two social workers who led the training told us while sometimes it almost feels as though they are trying to change our minds, the truth is they want to equip families.  "Yeah, yeah. Sure. OK. Let's get through this so we can bring our kids home." - I keep thinking this to myself.  It's so easy to let this whole process overwhelm you as a series of hoops to jump through.

Then it hit me. Hard...

"You have been called to be your child's healer"

Dear Lord,

I am so utterly overwhelmed.  Not the overwhelmed of life's daily demands.  It is more than that.  

I am overwhelmed at the thought of the probable trauma of my children I so long to bring home.  I am overwhelmed by the brokenness that led to their eligibility to join my family through adoption.  I am overwhelmed by the loss they have experienced.

I am overwhelmed that You would call me - ME! - to be their mother.  Overwhelmed by how You have so clearly called Ben and I together to parent these children. 

Overwhelmed by Your undeniable hand over this entire adoption adventure. Overwhelmed by the heart my daughters have for their brothers or sisters they have not yet met.

Overwhelmed by family and friends who have supported us in so many ways: in prayer, in care, in finances, in love.

Overwhelmed that You have called us to be these children's healers.  Overwhelmed by the heartbreak.  Overwhelmed by the beauty in Your plan for my family.

I am overwhelmed at the thought of what is to come and think I cannot possibly do this alone.  And then, I am overwhelmed when I am reminded, yet again, I am not in this alone.  I am overwhelmed by You.

Thank You. Thank You for humbling me, for calling me, for breaking me, for overwhelming me...

Plans, trust and hope

In the last post, we were so close to finalizing the home study, but were still in the wait.  I am thrilled to say we received our official, finalized home study on December 26th and we have entered a new stage(s) in our journey!

Three weeks have gone by since we rejoiced at finding that manila envelope in the mail containing our copies of the home study.  We were able to breathe a sigh of relief and start preparing for the next step.  My natural need to prepare kicked into full gear and I began to tackle the next steps.

Sometimes in the adoption journey it feels like a never ending series of "next steps".  I've heard other adoptive families use the term "paper pregnant" and can truly relate to that sentiment right now.  As soon as one document is signed, another one is waiting.  One training completed and another one in the works.  It is far too easy to get caught up in the checklist and lose sight of the big picture.

This morning I was sitting in our adoption small group at church and reflecting on how our group has changed since it began.  Families have brought children home, new families have joined, adoptions have been finalized and much more. It has been a privilege to see how God is working in these families.

Then it hit me.  My own family is building momentum in our process.  What has long seemed like a far off future time now may be THIS year.  God has brought us through the home study phase and we are feeling very grateful to be moving forward.

We've sent in our application to U.S. immigration and are preparing the required documents for our dossier.  In essence, we are in two stages at once.  We are in the two stages before the wait to be matched.  If things go quickly, there is the potential to be meeting our children in as little as 6 months.  Then again, it could be more than 4 years out.

To say we are on an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.  On one hand I want to believe this is OUR year we grow our family (as so many of our loved ones have said they are hoping for us).  On the other hand I know we may still have a very long road ahead of us before I can hug my children my heart longs for so earnestly.

Being on this roller coaster ride can make it difficult to plan for what lies ahead.  Regardless, God has been present through it all and I am thankful I can trust in His plan for my family.  He gives me hope through it all.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. ~Psalm 31:24