I've been wanting to write this following post for a while now. I've thought about the words to write many times in my head. I've wrestled with guilt, anticipation, fear, excitement, unknown and all the other ups and downs. This is by far not the first post where I talk about the roller coaster of emotions that is this adoption adventure, nor is it likely it will be my last. However, in this post I want to focus on the here and now. Specifically, the two blessings who I am privileged to be parenting here and now.
Lord, help me. I cannot do this thing called parenting without you. Adoption aside, being a mom has brought me to my knees more times than I can count, more times than I may want to admit and more times than I ever imagined possible.
It is so SO easy to think you know how to parent before you become a parent. So easy to look at parents and say to yourself "that's not how I would do that". Then, one day, you become a parent and find yourself in unknown territory. Faced with decisions that effect not only you and your spouse, but your children too. One thing I know for sure: no parent is perfect, despite how hard we may try. There is - and will continue to be - regret, mistakes, raw emotions and desperation. Try as I might to have everything in order, I am still learning how to parent every step of the way.
This adoption adventure has definitely taught be a lot about parenting - both my future children and the two I have now. One (of the many) trainings we've done to prepare for adding to our family through adoptions touched on remembering that while Ben and I have been preparing, praying, hoping for these children for a long time it does not mean the same is true for the children we are bringing home. They may not even fully understand the concept of adoption nor will they fully understand why they are being adopted. While we know we are their mom and dad, it will take time for them to understand this and attach to our family. I can remember thinking what a profound concept that was when I first heard it and have thought about it many times since the first time I heard it.
Really, the same can be said regarding my two girlies I already get to be mom to everyday. Ben and I have gone to training after training, completed endless stacks of paperwork, dotted our Is and crossed our Ts, but our girls have not. While we have been very intentional to have open and honest conversations about this adoption, this is not something they initiated nor do they fully understand it.
I've been thinking about this for quite some time now and wrestled with how to approach it. Tonight it became abundantly clear. It was no longer a hunch, it was laid right out in the open...
Part of the open and honest conversations have included talking about how things will change and how the way we parent our girls' "new brothers or sisters" will look differently than how we parent now. And then everything bubbled to the surface.
My sweet Shannon is probably more like me than I admit. One of the ways she is like me is her NEED to plan and uneasiness to change. God has certainly been teaching me how to let planning be in His hands and trust in His changes, but it's still not easy.
Tonight, bless her little heart, through tears Shannon admitted she doesn't want us to adopt because she is afraid of how everything will change. My mommy heart broke into a thousand pieces and in that moment all I could do was to pull her onto my lap and hug her tightly. I rocked her and held her close. I felt so lost at that moment.
In that moment I was so incredibly lost. All I could do was to lift my eyes up to heaven and pray for the words to comfort my baby girl. "Help me help her" was my prayer. God brought me to the here and now and all I could do was to be in that moment with her.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
~Psalm 121:1-2
I am so grateful Ben and I don't have to have this parenting thing all figured out. I know our help comes from the Lord and we are not in this alone. Through His help, we were able to have a very raw, real heart to heart talk with Shannon about the adoption. We assured her it is OK to feel the way she does. I would have loved to been able to tell her things won't really change that much, but I can't. Things will change - more than I think I know - but we also arrived at a good place and the night ended with some Shannon-mommy-daddy time and I know I was able to tuck my sweet girl into bed knowing she is loved and THAT will never change.
Friends and family, I humbly ask you to pray for my family. Pray for wisdom and guidance for Ben and me as we navigate this adventure of parenting and adopting. Pray for us not to lose sight of the here and now as we prepare for the future. Pray for the hearts of our two girls as we prepare for this big change. Pray for those children who will be joining our family. Pray for the things we don't know to ask for prayer for.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
~Psalm 121: 7-8
