"Bad Mommy! You're so mean!"

Yep, those words were screamed at me at the top of her lungs right outside her school this Friday afternoon... surrounded by other parents picking up their kids... standing next to her carpool buddy... yep, those words.

Let me rewind.  I left work at 3:30 today ending a long week at work, eager to start a three day weekend.  I'd been playing catch-up from missing 5 days from taking care of a sick little Missy Moo for 8 days of feverish influenza.  On top of that, I'd spent this week checking in with my co-Spanish teacher's subs as he had been out all week, also with the flu.  My desk is a mess and my work to-do list is growing, but it was FRIDAY.

I left work, knowing my hubby would be MIA at home to head down to Sleepy Eye to check on the rental house and continue repairs while I would be home with the girls.  Nearly two months of this Friday evening routine and I am definitely longing for a Friday night with all of us home.  But, I had decided to make the best of the solo-parent night and was planning a popcorn and movie night with my little lovies.  I had even let the girlies in on my plans and we all left the house this morning excited to snuggle up on the couch together this evening, fresh-popped corn in our bowl and new animated movie on the TV.

These plans were running through my head all day and I coudn't wait to pick each kiddo up from daycare/school and get started on our Mommy-daughters night.  I drive up to daycare first, looking forward to my joyous Amelia's smile.  Instead I walk in the door to find her on modified time-out (reading books on the couch rather than free play) because she had chosen to have playtime during what should have been naptime - something that has been occurring more often than not these days. 

She hopped down from the couch, walked over to me and promptly annouces "Mommy, I not take a good nap today."  This kid is cute even when she is naughty and I'm pretty sure she knows it and uses it to her advantage.  Trying my best not to give into her infectious smile this time, I responded by telling her "Well, I guess that means you'll have to go to bed early instead of getting to stay up watching a movie."  Suddenly her smile is gone and I feel horrible, but I must stay firm.

Darn it! I really wanted my two-year-old power snuggler on my lap tonight.  Oh well, at least I can still watch the movie with Shannon, and off to her school we go to pick her up and her carpool buddy.

I walk into the cafeteria to sign Shannon and her buddy out and I can instantly tell something is off with her.  "How was your field trip to the Science Museum?" I ask them both.  Carpool buddy:  "Cool!", Shannon: "Bad."  "Bad?" I ask.  "Yeah, too much climbing stairs," she responds.  I little confused, I decide I will talk with her more about it when we get home, but first I must load all three kiddos into the van so I can meet up with our carpool family at our usual drop off location on time.

We walk over to the sign-out table, sign out both kindergarteners and head to the door.  Shannon tries to hold Amelia's hand and Amelia refuses because she would rather hold carpool buddy's hand who she really only sees once a week since Ben normally picks them up from school - except on Fridays.  My mommy spidey sense sees the disappointment on Shannon's face that Amelia doesn't want to hold her big sister's hand, but I can also understand Amelia's excitement to see someone she doesn't get to see everyday.

I try to smooth things over by suggesting to Amelia she holds both their hands, but I am too late.  Shannon has already begun the ever-dreaded public screaming tantrum - this time at school.  I remind her this is not how we get what we want and proceed to walk all the kidlets out of the school to the car, Shannon still screaming and yelling, but at least she is staying with us.  I decide to ignore it, despite the countless looks we were getting from fellow parents.

We arrive to the van and I ask Shannon to sit in the back so carpool buddy is next to the door when we drop him off and he won't have to climb past anyone else.  That's when it happens.  Those blood curdling screams and the words "Bad Mommy!  You're so mean!" accompanied by a swift punch to my already aching arm from my RA.  Man, now they've BOTH lost our snuggle on the couch movie night.

The drive home was cold, even though the heater in our van works a little too well.  Shannon's stares were aimed right at my seat the whole way to carpool drop-off.  At the drop-off location, she moves up to her normal seat - recently vacated by carpool buddy.  I make sure she is buckled up and safe and then head home.  I've already decided both my girls need and deserve a one-on-one, face-to-face converstation with me about their choices and I wasn't going to discuss it while driving and them to my back.

The silence is killing me, as is the loss of a fun night with my girls - probably me more than them.  When we finally did pull up to our garage, I look back to see Shannon completely passed out.  My daughter is an amazingly sweet kid, but lack of sleep can change her like nothing else.  Sort of a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde kind of a change.  And, we had just completed two late-ish nights in a row on school nights.

We stumble into the house, weighed down with our winter gear, backpacks, lunch bags and the like, AND our movie night no longer in play.  I try to justify in my head a way we can still make it happen, but then I remind myself I must be firm.  Oh, but I really wanted to do the movie night tonight and I really do NOT want to have the mommy-talk with them about their behavior.  Still, I must follow through.

Each one has their "mommy-talk" and it goes surprisingly well.  Amelia has told me multiple times since our chat she will "take a nice nap next week, willy (really) I will".  Granted, time will tell if she will actually follow through, but she seems eager to do so for the moment.  Shannon gave me a sincere apology and she was able to articulate her feelings in a manner more mature than her years.

After our chats I ask them if they can play nicely while I cook dinner and they actually did!  We eat dinner and, what usually is a marathon battle to get Amelia to eat her food, it all gets consumed quite quickly and Shannon declares it was her best dinner she's ever eaten and her new favorite meal.

Dinner was followed by baths full of giggles and grins and we ended the night with books and songs and snuggles and both girls were tucked into bed 45 minutes to an hour early, but with smiles on their faces and knowing they are loved.

So, tonight did not go as hoped and planned.  But, by the grace of God, it still managed to end on a good note and I was still able to have a fun mommy-daughters night (albeit modified) and I am looking forward to the three-day weekend ahead.

It's Christmas Time

Something about this time of year makes me slow down to reflect on this life God has given me.  It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, especially everything the Christmas season brings.  But no matter how long the "to-do" list is, how jam packed our schedules may be, or anything else life throws at me, I cannot forget why we are celebrating and this sparks reflection on my own life.

I remember the Christmas Story in the Bible, and the mommy in me tries to imagine how Mary must have felt through her experience of expecting, giving birth to and raising the Son of God, Jesus.  When I think about Mary's life and how she honored God through it, I begin to question if I could have even come anywhere close to how she so graciously handled it all.

Ultimately I come to the question "Am I honoring God through this life He has given me?"  There are some things I feel I can answer with certaintly... I know God created me to be a wife and mom to my family.  I am confident God has put on both Ben's and my heart to adopt from the Dominican Republic.  I am indescribably grateful for the parents God gave me and the childhood I had.

But still, I can't help but fear and wonder if I will ever live up to everything God created me to be.  How much of my life am I taking for granted?  Am I really showing God's love through my actions? I know I am blessed beyond measure and yet still I find room to complain or be frustrated.

I think Christmas time and particularly Christmas cards and letters send me into a nostalgic, reflective mode that makes me take account of the past year and sometimes more.  As I try to recap my little family's past year into a Christmas letter I think back to all the highs and lows. 

I know that when I weigh the blessings against the difficult times the blessings far outweigh everything else and yet I can so easily be consumed by what I think seems urgent in the moment.  Questions like What if we aren't able to save enough money to adopt?  How will we afford to fix the rental house now that our tenants are out?  How can I find the energy to be the wife and mom my family needs me to be?

I am learning to turn my doubt and fear into trust and faith.  Trust that God's plan is far greater and more perfect than anything I could begin to dream up on my own.  Faith that He is always there and will meet all my needs.

I am a natural planner and like to be in control of when and how things happen, but perhaps I need to worry less about if I am in control than if HE is in control.  I am thankful I don't have to have it all together and can lean on Him to get me through the good and the bad.  I am doing my best to praise him through all things and to be content with my circumstances.

Family

Wow, it has been almost 3 months since the last post.  We are (mostly) settled in the new house, Shannon has started kindergarten, I've gone back to work for another school year, Amelia continues to show us her abounding joy for life and Ben's honey-do list is never ending.  In short, life has been cruising by right before our eyes.  And through it all, good and bad, I cannot deny we are truly blessed.

From time to time, people ask me how things are going with the adoption and there is a part of me that aches when I don't have anything to update them with.  But, there is no where I would rather be than right here, right now with my family.  Life can get crazy busy, but being the mom and wife to the family God has given me is the best (and hardest) job, blessing, responsibility, opportunity, experience, LIFE I could imagine.

We really don't have anything new to update about the adoption.  We are still planning to adopt.  We still believe God has put the Dominican Republic on our hearts in terms of the where and a sibling group in terms of the who.  The specifics of how, when and just who will be a part of that sibling group are not something we can answer right now. 

Not a day goes by that I don't pray for my family - my WHOLE family.  My devoted husband, my precocious Shannon, my passionate Amelia AND the children I have yet to meet.  My heart aches for whoever those children are out there that will someday join our little family.  I pray for their safety, for them to know love, for their health, for their happiness, for their future, for the transition into our family.  And then, I say those same prayers for the two sweet girls we already have.  I pray for God to give me the strength to be the mom and wife I need to be for our family - now and as it grows.   I pray.

I pray for hope and guidance.  It is far too easy to panic and think of all the details surrounding growing our family through adoption.  Where will the money come from?  Who will take care of things here when we are there?  Will my work and Ben's work understand when we need to take significant time off (at least 60 days for Ben and potentially 8 months for me) to go to the Dominican Republic to meet our children and bring them home?  How will the girls handle living abroad (and for some of it, away from dad)?  How will we adjust once we are home?  How will all of us grow into a larger family?  So many unanswered questions.

I don't know how to answer these and so many other questions swimming around in my head.  For now, I am choosing to trust in HIS timing and HIS plan.  I am also mindful not to miss the blessings happening every day and to cherish each day with my family.  I am indescribably excited, anxious, blessed, frightened, amazed, nervous, hopeful and so many other feelings I can't even begin to name to be on this adventure with my family. 

Home, Sweet Home!!!

Today was our big move!  We will be spending our first night in our new house tonight as a family.  The move went incredibly well.  We are so blessed to have had help from family and friends - we couldn't have done it without all of them.

Last night, the girls got to spend the night with their Grandma Betty and Grandpa Dave while Ben and I powered through packing and getting ready for today.  While I really missed my sweet little girls, it was great to be able to just focus on packing and know my girlies were getting lots of love from my parents.  I am so grateful to all the help they have been for our family this summer and always.

Ben's parents were a huge help to us as well.  They gave us a housewarming gift of new carpeting in the whole house and as if that was not enough they have also taken over cleaning up the old house to help get it ready for our new tenants.  We are certainly blessed to have great parents and we are thankful for all they do.

The move itself went very well.  Ben and I got everything all onto the main level of the old house before everyone came and we were all loaded and heading to the new house before noon!  The unloading went very smooth and pizza was delivered right as the last box was being carried into the house.  Lunch was a welcome break for fellowship and resting our sore muscles after all that heavy lifting!

We were blessed again when friends from our church mini-congregation stayed even longer to help unpack a few boxes and make sure all our beds were assembled so that when we needed to crash we could.

My mom helped to by watching the girls all day and by the time she brought them to us their rooms were all set up and it was dinner time.  We ate the leftover pizza and then the girlies enjoyed exploring their new rooms and the rest of the house.  Another blessing was how easily they went down for bed in a new environment for them.

God is definitely doing great things for our family and we are so excited to see what He has in store for our family as it grows.  Moving into our new home is a big step as we begin the adoption journey.  Hopefully once we are all unpacked we can begin the homestudy and continue on this amazing journey!  We are so grateful to everyone who has helped to make this portion of the journey a reality.

Sold!

Today we officially closed on our new home!!!  Despite a small snafu with our homeowner's insurance yesterday, we managed to get through closing today and the house is officially ours!  After closing, Ben and my dad built the new swing set in the back yard - something that will come in handy tomorrow as the girls and I hang out all day while new carpet is being installed.

We even had our first family meal together at the new house with pizza on the deck.  While the girls were playing on their new swing set our next door neighbors came out to meet and greet us.  We are excited for the move Saturday and for it to start really feeling like home!

Praise God for this step as we continue to look towards adopting!  God is great and He has blessed us beyond measure!

Crunch Time!

We are officially less than a week away from closing on our new home!  I am so excited and equally exhausted as we are preparing for this move.  I will be happy when we are all moved in a (maybe) life will be a little less hectic.  This has definitely been a whirlwind of a summer, but we are so blessed through it all.

June came with horrible news from our renters that they had flooded the entire basement 8 inches deep with sewage (something we are still battling) and learning we might have to walk away from the new house.  However, it also brought fun days home with my sweet girls and ended with continued waiting for a closing date on the new house.

July was definitely busy!  I was teaching Spanish to Spanish speakers Summer school to 5th graders and the girls got to spend 4 days a week with their Grandpa Dave.  It was so wonderful seeing how happy they were to spend that extra time at their grandparents house and I really enjoyed my group of kiddos at summer school.  Midway through July we got the news we'd been waiting for since the end of February - an official closing date on the house!  That news put us in overdrive to begin all the preparations for moving.  Something we knew was coming, but did not feel concrete until the actual closing date was set. 

Since we are renting our current house, our first order of business was to prepare the house for showings to prospective tenants.  I listed the house on Craiglist and within 48 hours we had 8 showings scheduled!  The very last day of July brought us the final showing with our future tenants and the lease was signed two days later.  Whew!  It was definitely a relief to know that was taken care of, and we then put our focus on packing.

With August here, we are packing, packing, packing!  Shannon has K Camp this week at her new school, so I decided to send Amelia to daycare while she is there so I can focus on getting everything sorted into boxes.  We only have a few more days until we head to WI to see my Aunt and Uncle at "Musky Camp" - a trip that was planned well before we had the closing date.  While it feels a little weird to be going out of town right before moving, I think it will be a welcomed break from all the craziness that packing and moving entails.  I am excited to have some relaxed family time :)

Next week we close on the house and move the following Saturday.  Already, next week is filling up with carpet installation, TV installations and minor projects before we have the BIG MOVE.

Life may be a little crazy right now, but I am so blessed by all that God has given our family.  From the opportunity to buy a new home big enough to adopt two or more kiddos to countless small blessings from family and friends.  I don't want to lose focus of how big I'm blessed in all this craziness, nor do I want to miss out on those small mommy moments with the girls.

You can tell the girls are excited and also a bit uncertain about everything.  Shannon has even come to me a few times to say "Mommy, I'm worried about moving" :(  But, when I remind her we will still be together as a family and all the nice things about the new house she gets excited again.  Little Amelia is confused by all the changes, but her smiles and giggles bring us joy even when the stress levels are high.  They have both been amazing through all of this and I love listening to them play together.  I am definitely a blessed momma.

In addition to my two little blessings, I am also so blessed to have Ben through all this.  He has been working tirelessly at work and home to get us through the move, the Sleepy Eye rental horror and everything else.  We just celebrated 8 years of marriage and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us and our growing family.

God is so good and I definitely want to be sure I take time to praise Him for all He has given us even through all the crazy busy days we've had and have to come.

We have a closing date!!!

Praise God!  We officially have a closing date on the new house!  After waiting 4 1/2 months we can finally breathe a sigh of relief and actually begin packing. :) We plan to close on August 14th and hopefully move into the new house that following weekend.  I am thankful this can happen before I head back to teaching in the fall - it will give us a couple weeks to unpack and settle in.  The sellers have even said we can begin moving items in the garage late July/early August since we have been waiting so long. 

I am most thankful to be taking a step forward towards the adoption.  We plan to settle in a bit (and recover from purchasing a house financially), but then we can start the home study process.  I pray for all my children daily - the ones who are living with me now and the ones we hope to welcome into our family in the future.  I anticipate the day we grow our family through this adoption with hope and dreams.  We will continue to trust in HIS timing.  This has definitely been a year of transitions, but God has been a part of it all.