Hanging by a thread

I haven't posted since mid-August.  I've written posts in my head several times since then, but haven't been sure exactly how to put it into words I can share on the blog.  A lot has changed since mid-August and yet nothing has really changed.  Fair warning: this post is written mostly for me to put in writing the ramblings in my head the last several months, but much like my thoughts, it probably won't be the most organized post.

On August 4th we learned about a sibling group on the waiting children list and we decided to request to see their files.  This was the first time we had even come close to specifics on a sibling group, and while we were not sure if these children would become our children, it was exciting to dream.  We went out to eat for our anniversary on August 7th and we discussed the idea of these children as we anticipated receiving their file.

The following week we heard back from our placing agency that we would not be seeing their file.  CONANI (the government entity in the DR which oversees adoptions) wanted us to wait until our dossier had been approved first.  Even though Ben and I were unsure if these siblings were meant to be our children, the news still hit hard.  Suddenly the dreaming came to a halt and we were left to wonder why, with no real answers.

Then, on August 31st, I got a phone call from our agency.  As I looked at the caller ID on my phone, a rush of emotions came over me.  Generally, we've communicated by email and saved phone conversations for rare occasions that needed that back and forth conversation in the moment.  I didn't know why they were calling, but knew we were still waiting on approval so I hoped it was good news.

"Hi Jessica, do you have a minute to talk?" she said on the other line.  I was actually at a garage sale with friends and the girls, but didn't want to wait for whatever the news was so I told her I could talk.  In hindsight, I should have asked for them to call back when I was back home, but I didn't.  Instead, I stood on the curb holding back tears while I learned our dossier needed "more clarification".  When I listened as she said "Just so you are prepared, there is a chance you might not be approved" I struggled to breathe and just wanted to escape.

For privacy reasons, I will not go into why CONANI was asking for more clarification, but it was one of our bigger fears when we dealt with our home study agency passing us from social worker to social worker and they merged with another agency and our study ended up being written by 5-6 different people.  As I hung up, I knew I needed to tell Ben the news but dreaded doing so.

Since that day, we've been rallying to stay optimistic and trust in God's plan for our family.  We've gone through the extra hoops needed for the extra clarification, but we still wait to hear.  It is hard to fathom the idea of spending the last four years working for this adoption with all of our heart and knowing there is a chance it will all end in being disapproved.  Each day we wait is a daily battle to remain hopeful.  However, I am deliberately choosing to trust - even if at times I am hanging on to that trust by a thread.

Today, nearly two months since that phone call, I sit filling out paperwork for our home study update and can honestly say I can feel the devil attacking my thoughts.  I'm angry it's already been a year since our home study was approved and we are having to renew with little to show for it.  Thoughts of doubt are hard to fight as I wonder if we should really be putting more money into a home study update if we might not be approved.  And then, I get angry at myself for feeling this way when I know I should be more faithful in God's plan for my family.

Social outings have become painful to endure since it inevitably results in someone asking how our adoption is going and I feel like I do not have the words to respond.  I don't want to dismiss their questions, but I also fight feelings of defeat, anger, sadness and more every time I am asked.

So, prayer warriors, I humbly ask for you to lift us up in prayer.  Pray for God's will to be done as we continue to wait.  Pray for those at CONANI who must make the decision to approve or deny us. Pray for our faith in Him and peace in the wait.  Pray for us to show each other grace and mercy as our emotions are raw.  Pray for our girls who still excitedly ask almost daily if we are going to the DR soon.  Pray for the future Reillys, if they are meant to join our family, and their daily care and well being.   Please pray.